Frank Burgoyne - Noah's Archipelago

February 21, 2023: Power Outage

March 21, 2023February 21, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Frank is smiling and he says, "Ah, isn't this nice... everyone gathered around the fire..." We now see that Frank is sitting on the ground facing the fireplace. Next to him sit Ursula and Noah, looking miserable. On the sofa, Ruth is sulking and holding baby Valerie and Agnes is scowling at Frank as he says, "Reminds me of being a kid on the ol' farm." Ursula then looks at Noah and says, "Daddy, I wanna watch cartoons." Noah replies, "I know, honey, but you have to wait til the power's back on." Ruth then says, "I bet it was the neighbors' tree that fell..." Agnes replies, "I knew I should have had it chopped down when they were in Arizona last year."

Agnes‘ neighbors all have security cameras aimed at their trees when they go out of town.

February 20, 2023: Ursula’s Winnings

March 21, 2023February 20, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes up to Ruth and demands, "Mommy, take me to buy Lego." Surprised, Ruth replies, "You already spent your allowance." Ursula grins and waves a wad of cash, saying, "Yeah, but I have Superbowl winnings." Ruth is shocked and says, "What?!? Where did you get this?" Ursula answers, "Cindy sent it from Vegas." Furious, Ruth snarls, "You're too little to gamble!!!!" Ursula is annoyed and retorts, "Then raise my allowance." Ruth continues, "Who told you it was OK to gamble?" Just then, Grandpa Frank pops in, smiling and asking, "Ursula, did your Vegas hookup send the—" then he sees Ruth glaring at him and changes the subject: "Oh... hi, Pumpkin. I thought you were at the nail salon with your mother."

Grandpa Frank, ya gotta look around before you open your mouth… especially when it comes to things you know your wife Agnes and your daughter Ruth disapprove of.

February 8, 2023: Playing Chicken

February 16, 2023February 8, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is giving Valerie her bottle and Frank comes up with a coffee cup and says, "Alright, Agnes went to the salon. What's the intel?" Noah smiles and says, "We can have up to 10 hens. Minimum coop size is 40 square feet, but I think we should make it at least 8x8." Frank smiles and replies, "Plenty of room next to the pool." Noah continues, "And the run should be at least 100 square feet. More is better." Frank says, "Like I said." Noah then says, "In theory we get 10 eggs a day for most of the year." Frank smiles and says, "Let's do it... next month when Agnes goes to Vegas with her sisters." Noah replies, "Roger that." Meanwhile Valerie yanks a lock of Noah's hair and pokes him in the throat. Noah says to Valerie, "Ow! Valerie, don't pull Daddy's hair." Frank then says, "Yeah, that's how I lost mine."

Noah and Frank are plotting to get free eggs… well, free after the cost of the coop, the run, the hens, the feed… Meanwhile, Valerie is practising her assassin moves for when she’s big enough to actually be dangerous.

January 25, 2023: The Cheater

January 28, 2023January 25, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula walks into her grandparents' kitchen. Grandma Agnes smiles and says, "Three days in a row, huh?" Ursula scowls and explains, "Daddy's still on a diet." Agnes replies, "Ah, OK." Grandpa Frank smiles and says, "Thorsen still hasn't figured out he can just cheat, huh?" This sets off Agnes, who scowls and asks, "What's that supposed to mean, Frank?" Frank glares and answers, "Nothing, dear." Agnes won't let up and asks, "You're not cheating on your diet, are you?" Annoyed, Frank snarls, "No, dear. I love kale and wheatgrass." He then smiles and turns to Ursula, saying, "Hey, Ursula, how about you and me go visit your Uncle Norm's horses?" Ursula is thrilled and grins saying, "OK!" Frank then smirks and thinks, "and we'll grab a burger on the way there."

Frank has had decades of practice circumventing Agnes‘ annual New Year’s diet.

November 26, 2022: Inflatables

December 7, 2022November 26, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Noah and Frank are digging out the big box of Christmas lights. Agnes has her coat on and says to Frank, "OK, we're going antiquing. Make sure you keep things tasteful with the lights." Frank replies, "Yes, dear" while Noah grins slyly and says nothing. Once Agnes has left, Frank turns to Noah and says, "Alright, the wives are gone. Go get the giant tacky inflatables." Noah smiles and says, "On it!"

You just know that as soon as Agnes returns and is annoyed, Frank is going to try to say the inflatables were Noah’s idea.

November 24, 2022: Happy Thanksgiving!

December 6, 2022November 24, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth and Agnes are drinking coffee at Agnes' kitchen table. In the background we see Noah and Frank sitting on the antique sofa, sleeping. Ursula comes up to Ruth and Agnes and points at her dad and granddad and says, "OK, they're asleep. Now can we order pizza?"

Noah and Frank are in food comas and Ursula wants pizza… again… happy Thanksgiving!

November 16, 2022: Noah the Muffin Man

November 21, 2022November 16, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Noah rings his in-laws' doorbell. His mother-in-law Agnes answers and Noah presents her will a pan full of fresh muffings and says, "Hi Agnes! I thought you might like some fresh muffins." Agnes scowls and retorts, "Cut the crap, Thorsen, what do you want?" Just then Noah's father-in-law Frank comes up and asks Agnes, "What's all the commotion?" He then sees the muffins, grabs one, and says, "Ooh... muffins! and they're still warm!" Noah smiles and says, "So I was wondering if you guys can babysit the next 5 Saturday nights. I have gigs and Ruth would like to attend with me." Agnes scowls and yells, "No!!!" but Frank, mouth full of muffin, says, "Sure, why not?" Furious, Agnes yells, "Frank!!!" while Noah, grinning, says, "Thanks Frank!"

Noah knows exactly how to bribe his way into getting what he wants.

November 3, 2022: “Tragic Canoe Accident”

November 3, 2022November 3, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula and Grandpa Frank are sitting at the kitchen table, Ursula with her elbows on the table and head propped up on her hands, Frank is engrossed in the newspaper. Agnes stands over them, blathering about family history: "...and then my mother's maternal great-aunt by marriage, Cynthia, bred Himalayan cats for the show circuit. Her son died in a tragic canoe accident..." Ursula groans while Frank, much used to this sorta thing, simply tunes Agnes out and occasionally mutters "mmmhmmm..."

Ursula shouldn’t have said she needed to write an essay on family history if she didn’t want to get a book’s worth of information from Grandma Agnes.

Pool Party at the In-Laws, Part 1

October 26, 2022August 1, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth and her dad Frank Burgoyne are talking poolside while Noah plays in the pool with Ursula. Ruth's dad says to Ruth "Pumpkin, when are you gonna divorce the fuckboy?" Offended, Ruth retorts "Daddy! he's the father of my children!" Unfazed, Frank replies "Yes, and now that you have them, you can dispose of the sperm donor." Ruth snaps back "No! I don't believe in divorce!" Frankgrins and continues "Well, then how about we toss him overboard in the Pacific en route to Hawaii?" Ruth scowls "Daddy! No!!!!" Frank still doesn't take the hint and says "OK, but what if I double your trust fund?"

Noah had better stay a landlubber.