No one knows exactly what Noah does all day—certainly not button his shirt ever—but we do know he’s a stay-at-home dad and a cover band rock star (in his own mind).
He’s 47, finally struck it lucky in love with his fifth wife Ruth, and is a proud papa to Adam, Duke, Ursula, and Valerie.
Noah sings in multiple bands including a U2 tribute band, a Creed tribute band, and a more generalized classic rock cover band. He used to sing in Glen’s Mötley Crüe tribute band and a Marilyn Manson tribute band before Ruth put a stop to all that. He’s obsessed with maximizing efficiency, especially when it comes to any household chores he can’t simply skip.
Noah lives with Ruth, Ursula, and Valerie in the guest house of Ruth’s parents’ property in Oak Bay, BC.
Ruth Thorsen, née Burgoyne, is Noah’s wife and mother to Ursula and Valerie. She’s 39 and teaches second grade since coming back from maternity leave. (Before that she was the school librarian.)
Ruth and Noah initially met when her friend dragged her to a tribute band night where Noah’s old Marilyn Manson band happened to be playing. For some reason she got all offended when he tried to get her to come onstage and dance with him during “Slutgarden“… can’t imagine why, it’s such a charming and wholesome song… anyway, that summer there were 4 or 5 weddings Ruth was a bridesmaid at where Noah was singing in the band at the reception and eventually he overheard enough about how much she loved U2 and Creed to figure out a much more effective way to win her over and finally get her to agree to a date. The rest is history.
Her hobbies include lacemaking, knitting, and nagging Noah to do more housework.
Ursula is Noah and Ruth’s eldest daughter. She’s 8 and in third grade and can’t wait to escape school some day and can’t fathom why her mother chooses to spend her days at school.
Ursula is fiercely protective of her valuable cartoon-watching time and is all about trying to motivate her dad to do better… meaning win her bigger and better teddy bears every year at the local fair… or else. Unfortunately her motivational speaking style owes much to her grandma Agnes.
She can’t shake the feeling that her dad spends all day watching cartoons, which is totally unfair when she’s stuck in school learning math with Miss Farty Mouth, er, Fardemar.
Little Valerie, aka “The Baby,” is Noah and Ruth’s younger daughter. At this stage, we don’t know much about her other than she seems to have a knack for puking on cue when she’s not screaming or sleeping.
Noah likes to think the screaming shows promise of a future career in rock n roll, and swears this one time he heard Valerie scream perfectly in tune to Nazareth’s “Hair of the Dog.”
It’s still a bit early to start booking gigs for a future Thorsen Family Nazareth tribute band, though Noah looks forward to those few golden years between when Valerie is old enough to be his designated driver and when she is old enough to claim her own beer tickets at the gig.
Adam is Noah’s eldest, having forced a quickie marriage between Noah and Gigi Malone right at the end of high school. Now 27, Gigi’s wee little baby towers over both his parents even when he’s not wearing his highest stompy goth boots.
Adam plays bass, though when he is called upon to do so whenever Noah’s bassist shirks his duties, he desperately wishes he’d picked something far less useful and guilt-trip-able for rock n roll. Dulcimer, perhaps, or triangle. He is every bit as music-obsessed as his dad, however he prefers the grinding sounds of industrial dance music or EBM. He organizes club nights and other events with his girlfriend Stacey Blackburn and spins at the local goth night as DJ Adambomb… and, reluctantly, at weddings, where he has to pretend like he doesn’t think Taylor Swift is guilty of musical crimes against humanity.
Well, it pays the bills.
After Noah and Gigi’s marriage broke down, Noah met, knocked up, and married Maria Petrucci, a waitress at his favorite watering hole. A few months later, out came a bouncing baby boy they named Duke, who is now 24.
Considering what a fabulous cook Maria is, Noah probably would have stuck around forever except Maria gave him the boot a few years in… well, more like her uncles made Noah an offer he couldn’t refuse, but that was on Maria’s behalf. They all get along much better now, oddly enough.
Like his big brother Adam, Duke plays bass, but prefers thrash metal. Most of the time, though, his ears are filled with the sounds of nature, as he learned to hunt and fish from his step-dad Norm at an early age and now works with Norm as a hunting guide. Sometimes Duke and/or Norm let Noah tag along… after all, Noah can’t seem to catch dinner worth a damn, but someone’s gotta lug the beer and pack out the empties.
Ruth’s mother Agnes needs a hobby… at least according to Noah.
According to Agnes, of course, she has a hobby: monitoring her lazy son-in-law all day and critiquing him wherever possible… and she sees a world of possibilities.
Her other hobby is keeping tabs with her friends at the country club and finding out which of their sons are getting divorced so she can nag Ruth to trade Noah in.
She is a doting grandma to Ursula and Valerie, however, and it does seem Ursula might well grow up to be much more similar to Grandma Agnes than to Granny Thorsen, who unfortunately spends far too much time in Florida and at bingo to have much influence.
Ruth is the apple of her father Frank’s eye. Her husband Noah, not so much… so Frank certainly does nothing to rein in his wife’s meddling. (To be fair, the more time Agnes spends making a pest of herself vis a vis Noah and Ruth, the less time she spends making a pest of herself vis a vis Frank.)
Frank is a retired lifelong politician, working his way up from the local school board to the provincial ministry of education to the House of Commons and managing along the way to never get caught doing anything to alienate any block of voters. Somehow he built up a huge fortune while being a public servant, but it was probably all 100% above board. (wink wink)
These days he spends his time golfing and playing tennis and sometimes sailing with his buddies.
Adam’s mother and Noah’s first ex-wife, Gigi, owns a small cafe and catering business. She’s 45… er, 29 yet again.
A few years after she and Noah got divorced, Gigi went to one of Noah’s bands’ gigs, where she got reacquainted with her and Noah’s old school chum, Glen. They’ve been an item ever since, though they remain unmarried, much to Gigi’s annoyance. Glen and Gigi live together with a cat, 3 dogs, and at least 5 classic cars and hot rods in varying stages of (dis-)repair in Metchosin, BC.
Like Noah, Gigi never met a “labor-saving” device she didn’t love, even when they actually cause more labor.
Glen “Junkyard Jenkins” is a 46 year-old car dude who works in a pick-a-part wrecking yard by day and plays guitar in a couple different bands by night, including a Mötley Crüe tribute band and an Aerosmith one. Back in the 90s Glen and Noah used to have a couple bands together. It’s probably best that they no longer share band duties.
These days Glen spends his weekends avoiding getting dragged to go antiquing with Gigi (on the rare weekends she’s not working some stuffy wedding reception) and working on rebuilding cars… both his own and his friends/clients. His most prized possession is a ’36 Forde Coupe hot rod he inherited from his grandfather.
As for the whole marriage thing, Glen insists it’s none of the government’s business who he’s shacked up with. Be that as it may, Gigi is still plotting to get him drunk the next time they’re in Vegas to see some elderly classic rock act he likes so she can drag him to one of their 24 hour wedding chapels.
Stacey, 25, is Adam’s girlfriend. They organize club nights and other scenester events together but aside from that she works at her mother’s dressmaking and alterations shop.
While Ruth and Adam sometimes butt heads, Ruth and Stacey have somewhat bonded over their mutual love of lace and textiles… not that Ruth has been successful in getting Stacey to learn how to make it yet.
Noah, for his part, can’t understand how Adam and Stacey have managed to be an item for 5 years with no wedding and no kids, and frequently utters the old “when I was your age…” spiel… which lands on deaf ears.
Miss Fardemar is Ursula’s third-grade teacher and one of Ruth’s work chums.
Thus far, none of Ursula’s attempts to get Grandpa Frank’s politician pals to ban Miss Fardemar’s homework assignments have worked. Nor has the International Court in the Hague agreed to hear Urusla’s case claiming that fractions worksheets are a violation of Ursula’s civil rights, despite the fact that math obviously goes against that whole “pursuit of happiness” thing… of course, if Ursula paid more attention in geography block she might have noticed that the Hague doesn’t care about the preamble to the US Declaration of Independence, which doesn’t apply to Canada anyway.