2023 - Noah's Archipelago

February 24, 2023: Noah’s Apple Pie Plans

April 27, 2023February 24, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah, wearing his chef's hat, is carrying a pie to the dinner table where Ursula and Ruth are sitting. Urusla whines, "Apple Pie again?" Noah replies, "I tweaked my recipe. Let me know what you think." Ursula then says, " I think pie is the Brussels sprouts of desserts." This annoys Ruth, who snaps, "Ursula!" Ursula replies, "What? It's got fruit in it. It's practically health food." Noah is annoyed and says, "That's nice, sweetie, but you're not judging at the fair." Ruth laughs and reminds him, "The fair's not til September, Noah," and he replies, "Exactly. Plenty of time to perfect it." He grins and continues, "I'm gonna win the double crust apple pie competition." Then his eyes narrow and his grin turns Machiavellian as he says, "The real one, not the consolation prize 'men only' class." Wide-eyed, Ursula asks, "Can't you try to win the chocolate cake ribbon instead?" Noah laughs and replies, "Where's the glory in that?"

Noah has his eyes on the big prize… one of the fall fairs near me does indeed have a men-only class for the apple pies in the baking category, which I thought was kinda funny… but also gives the dudes a chance, lol. And of course Noah wants to try to win the “real” … Read moreFebruary 24, 2023: Noah’s Apple Pie Plans

February 23, 2023: Just One Drop

April 27, 2023February 23, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth grins and says, "It's great that you're already planning for the fall fair, babe..." We then see the whole picture: Noah is grinning maniacally whilst wearing his chef hat and holding out a wooden spoon with a steaming red sauce on it towards Ruth, who is leaning back and trying to squirm away from him. She continues: "...but there's no way I'm taste-testing your new Carolina Reaper hot sauce." Noah replies, "Oh, c'mon... just one drop!" Ruth refuses: "No! Can't you use your sons as recipe guinea pigs instead?" Noah is undaunted, saying, "Nope. Their taste buds are already fried."

Nice try, Noah… but you’d probably have more success if you hadn’t bragged about the face-melting Scoville units the Carolina Reapers have and how you hoped to set the judges tastebuds on fire with them.

February 22, 2023: Fall Fair Planning

March 21, 2023February 22, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah and Ursula are eyeing a tray of seedlings. Noah's eyes are wide with wonder and he says, "Wowee... look at all those tomatoes!" Ursula, confused, "Um... there's no tomatoes, Daddy." Noah grins and explains, "Not yet, honey, but each of these tiny seedlings will become a mighty tomato plant yielding pounds of tomatoes!" Ursula is skeptical and asks, "And you're sure that's not just a figment of your imagination?" Speaking of imagination, Noah grins and closes his eyes, blissfully imagining himself twirling around, blue ribbons pinned all over his clothes as he tells Ursula, "Daddy's gonna win all the blue ribbons for his tomatoes at the fair this year." Ursula looks off to the side and says, "Um... OK?" Noah continues, eyes now open albeit narrowed and he looks off to the distance, saying "And all the pickles too. That nasty old Mrs. Brunswick can shove her dills where the sun don't shine!" and we see his imagined future of holding a jar of his pickes adorned with a blue ribbon as he flashes a V for victory sign at a scowling and growling Mrs. Brunswick, clutching her sad #2 red ribbon. Ursula is now deeply disturbed and asks, "Um... Daddy, are you sure you're feeling OK?"

Usually Noah‘s a pretty easygoing guy, but every now and then we hit a nerve that brings out his fiercely competitive side. Don’t count your blue ribbons before the tomato plants have even hit an inch tall, though.

February 21, 2023: Power Outage

March 21, 2023February 21, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Frank is smiling and he says, "Ah, isn't this nice... everyone gathered around the fire..." We now see that Frank is sitting on the ground facing the fireplace. Next to him sit Ursula and Noah, looking miserable. On the sofa, Ruth is sulking and holding baby Valerie and Agnes is scowling at Frank as he says, "Reminds me of being a kid on the ol' farm." Ursula then looks at Noah and says, "Daddy, I wanna watch cartoons." Noah replies, "I know, honey, but you have to wait til the power's back on." Ruth then says, "I bet it was the neighbors' tree that fell..." Agnes replies, "I knew I should have had it chopped down when they were in Arizona last year."

Agnes‘ neighbors all have security cameras aimed at their trees when they go out of town.

February 20, 2023: Ursula’s Winnings

March 21, 2023February 20, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes up to Ruth and demands, "Mommy, take me to buy Lego." Surprised, Ruth replies, "You already spent your allowance." Ursula grins and waves a wad of cash, saying, "Yeah, but I have Superbowl winnings." Ruth is shocked and says, "What?!? Where did you get this?" Ursula answers, "Cindy sent it from Vegas." Furious, Ruth snarls, "You're too little to gamble!!!!" Ursula is annoyed and retorts, "Then raise my allowance." Ruth continues, "Who told you it was OK to gamble?" Just then, Grandpa Frank pops in, smiling and asking, "Ursula, did your Vegas hookup send the—" then he sees Ruth glaring at him and changes the subject: "Oh... hi, Pumpkin. I thought you were at the nail salon with your mother."

Grandpa Frank, ya gotta look around before you open your mouth… especially when it comes to things you know your wife Agnes and your daughter Ruth disapprove of.

February 18, 2023: Check the Land Rover

March 21, 2023February 18, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is smiling and has his hands on and wary-looking Ruth. He tells her, "Aw, c'mon Ruth: no need to be jealous. You know I'm not going anywhere." Ruth replies, "Yeah, I guess." Noah continues: "And it it ever seems like I did, check your mom's Land Rover." Ruth says, "I'd think she'd be more likely to use Dad's boat for body disposal." Noah answers, "Yeah, but she'd have to stuff me in the back of the Land Rover to get me to the boat, so check there first."

Agnes would love to some days, but has yet to figure out an ironclad alibi to get rid of Noah. And we all know Ursula is an eager tattletale for the right amount of Lego.

February 17, 2023: Ursula’s Pen Pal

March 20, 2023February 17, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is sorting through the mail, saying, "Bills, bills, bills... my latest issue of Classic Rock Mag..." He then hands Ruth a magazine, saying, "Your U2 issue of Record Collector..." and hands Ursula an envelope, saying "And you got a new letter from your pen pal Cindy." Ruth smiles and says, "I'm so glad you've got a little pen pal, Ursula!" Ursula replies, "Uh huh." Ruth continues, "You'll get to learn so much about life in a different culture like... wait, where's Cindy from?" Ursula smiles and says, "Vegas." This, of course, triggers Ruth, who scowls and snarls, "Vegas? What do you two talk about?" Ursula rolls her eyes and replies, "Oh, y'know, the usual... Lego... stupid homework... tiger attacks... how to count cards..." which is when Noah grins and pipes up: "Card counting? Mom's gonna be so proud!"

Now, now, Noah… you know full well your mother is not a card counter. She’s just very lucky at the casinos. Blessed, even. That is all.

February 16, 2023: Denise’s B&B

March 20, 2023February 16, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is shaving at the bathroom sink while Ruth is in the shower. Talking about U2's upcoming Vegas residency this fall, Ruth says, "I just wish they'd announce the actual dates so we can get our tickets and book a hotel." Surprised, Noah says, "Hotel? We'll stay with Denise and Simon!" Ruth is irritated and snarls, "We are NOT staying with your ex-wife!" Noah turns to face the shower door and says, "Oh, c'mon, Ruth! They have a great B&B and we have an open invitation to stay for free." Ruth, still being petty, replies, "Pfft... and I suppose there's a mirror on the ceiling?" Noah rolls his eyes and says, "Not that I know of. Shall I tell Denise you have a special request?"

Ah, the arguments and jealousy continue between Ruth and Noah over that Vegas showgirl ex-wife.

February 15, 2023: Friends With Exes

March 20, 2023February 15, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth is in her nightie and is annoyed and snarls, hands on hips, "I can't believe you're still friends with your showgirl ex-wife!" Noah calmly responds, "I'm friends with all my exes. And Denise quit being a showgirl 10 years ago when she fell down the stage stairs at Bally's and broke her leg." Ruth doesn't want to listen to logic and turns her back and grunts. We then see Ruth scowling as Noah continues, "Denise and Simon have been married for 16 years." Ruth just says, "Whatever." Noah asks, "Aren't you friends with any of your exes?" Ruth looks away and says, "No!" Noah shrugs and asks, "Why not?" Ruth replies, "I don't have to be. My mom is friends with all the moms and keeps tabs for me."

Ruth and Noah have very different notions about being friends with exes.

February 14, 2023: The Vegas Fight

February 27, 2023February 14, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth and Noah are out to dinner on Valentine's Day. Ruth smiles and asks Noah, "Aren't you excited about U2's Vegas shows this fall?" Noah, despite singing in a U2 tribute band, is clearly not excited. He looks off to the side and says, "Um... I got myself in trouble in Vegas." Ruth assumes he means gambling and assures him, "We won't be going to the casinos." Noah explains, "It's not gambling. I got drunk and married a showgirl I'd just met." As he says this, we see a flashback of a very drunk Noah saying "I do" in front of an Elvis impersonator officiating his holy matrimony to a tall showgirl in her elaborate feathered headdress and bikini, fresh off the stage. Ruth growls, reminded of the ex-wife she's most jealous of, and snarls, "Well, promise me you won't get drunk and do that again." Noah then raises an eyebrow and demands, "Promise me YOU won't get drunk and marry a Bono impersonator." Ruth waves her hand dismissively and replies, "Well, I'm already married to you, so... been there, done that."

Ruth has of course already signed up for every possible chance to get tickets to that U2 residency in Vegas, from the fan club to the Ticketmaster verified fan thing. And interesting how Noah’s not worried about Ruth running off with Bono, but rather with one of Bono’s professional impersonators (aside from Noah and … Read moreFebruary 14, 2023: The Vegas Fight