great expectations - Noah's Archipelago

One More Time, with Feeling!

February 12, 2024February 12, 2024 by Pyra Draculea

Noah continues to pester Ruth to like her least favorite U2 songs.

At this point these two aren’t even arguing about the songs anymore, it’s about stupid primate dominance games.

Last Year’s Art Gallery Field Trip

February 5, 2024February 27, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula's teacher, Beryl Fardemar, and Ruth are in the teachers' lounge on their coffee break. Beryl looks anxious and says, "So our field trip to the art gallery is Friday." Ruth replies, "My condolences." Beryl continues, "I heard your husband made a fool of himself last year." Ruth answers, "Noah insists otherwise." Beryl looks confused and asks, "Didn't he do an interpretive dance?" Ruth looks off to the side and says, "It looked more like a seizure, but sure." Alarmed, Beryl mutters to herself, "Dear Lord..." while Ruth shrugs and says, "Look on the bright side: unlike last year, I won't be there, so he won't be on his worst behavior." We see Ruth's memory of part of last year's trip, in which a laughing Noah lies on his back on one of the sculpture platforms with one leg up in the air and calls out to a pregnant Ruth, "Hey Ruth! Draw me like one of your French guys!" Ruth is mortified and covers her face in her hands while Ursula asks, "Mommy, what's Daddy talking about?"

I think I got the allusion to the Titanic movie rather close. It’s a wonder the Art Gallery hasn’t banned Noah for his antics there, but then again he does help with fundraising for the gallery and the museum and is somewhat of a local D list micro-celebrity, sorta.

Playing Chicken

February 5, 2024February 8, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is giving Valerie her bottle and Frank comes up with a coffee cup and says, "Alright, Agnes went to the salon. What's the intel?" Noah smiles and says, "We can have up to 10 hens. Minimum coop size is 40 square feet, but I think we should make it at least 8x8." Frank smiles and replies, "Plenty of room next to the pool." Noah continues, "And the run should be at least 100 square feet. More is better." Frank says, "Like I said." Noah then says, "In theory we get 10 eggs a day for most of the year." Frank smiles and says, "Let's do it... next month when Agnes goes to Vegas with her sisters." Noah replies, "Roger that." Meanwhile Valerie yanks a lock of Noah's hair and pokes him in the throat. Noah says to Valerie, "Ow! Valerie, don't pull Daddy's hair." Frank then says, "Yeah, that's how I lost mine."

Noah and Frank are plotting to get free eggs… well, free after the cost of the coop, the run, the hens, the feed… Meanwhile, Valerie is practising her assassin moves for when she’s big enough to actually be dangerous.

The Pitch

February 5, 2024January 16, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is talking to his old bandmate Gary, who says to Noah, " So Dave's lost his voice and can't do the show on Saturday. You in?" Noah sighs and replies, "Dunno, Gary. I'd like to, but Ruth hates Marilyn Manson. That's why I had to quit the band." Gary rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, c'mon! Live a little." Noah scowls and says, "Ruth would kill me." Gary sneers and retorts, "You gotta stop letting your ol' ball and chain tell you what to do."Noah rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders, saying, "One could say the same thing about my ol' bandmates."

It’s true that Noah and Ruth first met at one of Noah’s old Marilyn Manson tribute band gigs, but it didn’t take long before Ruth put an end to Noah’s Antichrist Superstar impersonation days.

Noah’s 300

February 7, 2024November 17, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

A Speedo-clad Noah poses for Ruth and tries to impress Ruth, Gladiator-style.

Noah always get Gladiator and 300 mixed up, while Ruth is a connoisseur of sweaty combat films.

Noah the Muffin Man

February 7, 2024November 16, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Noah brings a tray of fresh muffins to his in-laws' doorstep to bribe his way into some babysitting.

Noah knows exactly how to bribe his way into getting what he wants, and Frank is very, very bribeable.

The Cooking Lesson

February 7, 2024November 7, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Noah tries, unsuccessfully, to coach Ursula into learning to cook.

In Ursula’s defence, some of us didn’t learn to cook til we were in our 30s.

The Dad Tax

February 7, 2024November 1, 2022 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes to Noah looking for candy, only to find Noah's been eating her Halloween haul.

Today’s the day that Ursula learns about taxation. And the Dad Tax is always worse when you question his tales of his own trick-or-treat efforts as a kid.