Uncategorized - Noah's Archipelago

January 23, 2023: Hangry Noah

January 28, 2023January 23, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

An irate Noah is in the kitchen, fiddling with the coffeemaker and growling, "Grrr... stupid coffeemaker!" Ursula comes up behind him and asks, "What's with you today?" Noah sulks and tells her, "I'm following Mommy's meal plan this week." Ursula raises an eyebrow and says, "Oh?" Noah explains, "All Bran with skim milk for breakfast, salad for lunch, and dinner will be stuffed bell peppers." He looks despondent as he continues, "It's only day one and I'd already kill for a cheeseburger." Seizing her opportunity, Ursula grins and says, "OK, let's go to Red Robin." Noah, however, doesn't take the bait, replying, "Grr... I can't!" as he pinches more than an inch of his love handle fat. Then he turns on Ursula: "Don't you have homework to do?" Ursula takes the hint that it's best to make herself scarce and she replies "Uh... yeah, over at Grandma's house..."

Poor Noah needs a Snickers bar… or five.

January 21, 2023: The Aftermath

January 28, 2023January 21, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is trying to sneak into the house in the wee hours of Saturday night/Sunday morning after having substituted for his buddy Dave in his old Marilyn Manson tribute band. He is dressed as circa 2001 Marilyn Manson, in knee-high black platform boots, layers of torn pantyhose, black leather straps/garters around his thighs, a black Speedo, a black corset, and black elbow-length gloves with his hair slicked back. Unfortunately for Noah, Ruth is already home from her girls' night out and she is waiting for him on the stairs, in her bathrobe and bunny slippers and a bad mood. She growls. Noah has his hands up, defensively, and says, "Ruth! You're home early..." A furious Ruth demands to know, "Why are you dressed like Marilyn Manson?" Rather than answering her, Noah aims to distract her: "Heh heh... You look really pretty tonight, honey..." (It's not gonna work, we see a little box pointing at the sofa in the background and the box is labelled "where Noah will be sleeping this week"

Noah gets busted trying to sneak in the house post-gig. Hell hath no fury like Ruth when she catches Noah playing Marilyn Manson.

January 20, 2023: The Critic

January 28, 2023January 20, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes up to Noah in the attic (still rummaging through the bin of his old stage clothes). She asks, "Whatcha doing, Daddy?" He replies, "Oh, I'm just organizing my old stage costumes." Ursula plucks out the now-torn Marilyn Manson-inspired sheer bodysuit with feather epaulets and holds it up, leaning back in recoil, and says, "What on earth..." Noah smiles and tells her, "Daddy used to wear that when he sang in a Marilyn Manson tribute band." Incredulous, Ursula asks, "You wore pantyhose?" Noah scowls and snaps back, "It's not pantyhose, it's a sheer bodysuit." Ursula makes a disgusted face and asks, "Does Mommy know about this?" Noah grins and tells her, "I was wearing that when I met Mommy." Ursula holds the bodysuit up again and asks, "Why's the butt ripped out?" Noah looks off to the side, embarrassed, and replies, "Because Mommy might be right about eating salad for lunch."

Granted that Noah‘s leaving out the bit where Ruth slapped him when he hit on her wearing that suit, and didn’t manage to actually get with her til months later when he started his U2 tribute band, which was more to her liking, but meh… details…

January 19, 2023: The Wardrobe Malfunction

January 28, 2023January 19, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is up in the attic, digging through his old stage costumes and he finds his old sheer bodysuit with feather epaulets (modelled after one Marilyn Manson wore in the late 90s). Noah thinks to himself, "Here it is, should still fit... but it won't hurt to make sure..." We then see a giant RIP tear across the comic panel, revealing Noah wearing the body suit, now torn along the side seams to show large swaths of Noah's hairy flanks and outer thighs. Wide-eyed in dismay, Noah thinks, "Seriously? I didn't eat that much over Christmas! Guess I'm going as middle-aged Marilyn Manson..."

So much for that Mechanical Animals-era Marilyn Manson costume… (inspired by the one MM wore here in the late ’90s)… Noah better start hitting that rowing machine he got for Viking homeschool. Well, if it makes ya feel better, Noah: MM couldn’t fit into his old sheer bodysuit now either and would also pop … Read moreJanuary 19, 2023: The Wardrobe Malfunction

January 18, 2023: The Reluctant Babysitter

January 28, 2023January 18, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Duke and Noah are talking. Duke looks annoyed and says, "Nope. Saturday is date night." Noah won't accept this and says, "Oh, c'mon! You two can hang out here. Ursula's in bed by 8, bring a movie to watch." Duke replies, "Bethany's gonna be pissed." Surprised, Noah says, "What? She loves kids!" Duke rolls his eyes and says, "In the abstract." Noah grins and says, "Well, you two need some practical experience for when you start having your own." Duke is pissed off and crosses his arms, scowling, "Bethany's gonna kill me. And Ruth's gonna kill you." Noah replies, "Cool, so you'll do it?"

Noah leans on Duke to cover for him on the night of the gig and babysit his little sisters, Saturday date night be damned.

January 17, 2023: The Opportunity

January 28, 2023January 17, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is outside grilling steak for dinner, wearing a red apron that says KISS THE COOK. Ruth comes up to Noah and puts her hand on his shoulder and tells him, "So we're all going out for drinks on Saturday night to celebrate Beryl's birthday. I hope you don't mind." Noah grins and replies, "No, of course not! Have fun!" He then thinks, "Looks like I can do the Marilyn Manson tribute gig after all..."

Noah sees and seizes his opportunity.

January 14, 2023: Ruth’s Discovery

January 28, 2023January 14, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah and Ruth are tidying up in the living room: Ruth is kneeling on the floor collecting toys into a pile and Noah is polishing the piano with his back to Ruth. They're catching up on the week's events and Noah is saying, "So Frank and I got all the lights taken down and—" Ruth suddenly screams, "Aaaarrrggghh! What happened?!?" Confused, Noah replies, "Huh? We unclipped them and rolled them up in boxes." He is unable to see that Ruth is holding up her newly mangled Bono Funko Pop (that Valerie had been chewing on all week), and Ruth says, "No! What happened to my Funko Bono?" Noah replies, "Oh yeah. I meant to tell you: Valerie got her first tooth."

A moment of silence for Ruth‘s Funko Bono… and if Valerie finds the stash of replacements Noah just bought, let’s have some pre-emptive moments of silence for them, too.

January 13, 2023: In the Toy Store

January 13, 2023January 13, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is at the toy store with a few Bono Funko Pops in his shopping cart. He's holding Valerie who is reaching for the Funkos. Noah tells her, "No, Valerie, those are for Mommy's collection. I got you proper teething toys." Valerie continues trying to squirm away and get at the Funkos; Noah pulls her back and says, "No no no. No Funkos for you." Valerie starts screaming. Just then Ursula comes up to Noah with a big smile and a big Lego box, saying, "Daddy! They have the giant Lego Viking ship!" Noah replies, "Not now, Ursula. Maybe for your birthday in June." Ursula growls and grabs Noah's cellphone out of his pocket, then phones Granny Thorsen and tells her, "Granny Thorsen! It's an emergency! We're in the toy store and Daddy won't buy me the Lego Viking ship!" Granny Thorsen replies, "Put the boy on the phone."

Yet another of Noah‘s attempts to teach Valerie and Ursula delayed gratification is thwarted.

January 12, 2023: Valerie’s Chew Funko

January 12, 2023January 12, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is looking under the sofa cushions while Ursula is watching TV. Noah asks, "Ursula, have you seen your mommy's Bono Funko Pop?" Ursula looks over to her right at her baby sister and says, "Valerie's got him." Noah replies, "OK. Don't let her wreck it." Valerie is chewing on the Funko Pop's head with the one tooth she has and has torn the head open. Ursula replies to Noah, "Too late.'

Valerie‘s got a new favorite chew/teething toy… unfortunately it’s her mom‘s favorite Funko Pop: Bono. Looks like a trip to the toy store will be in order to find a replacement.

January 11, 2023: Baby Talk

January 12, 2023January 11, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula is doing her homework at the dining room table and Noah is next to her. He says to her, "So your little friend's getting a new little brother or sister, huh?" Ursula replies, "Yep." Noah continues, "She must be excited." Ursula replies, "Meh." Concerned at Ursula's lack of enthusiasm, Noah asks, "Weren't you excited when we had Valerie?" Ursula rolls her eyes and crosses her arms and says, "She doesn't do anything exciting. She just sleeps and cries." No grins and tells her, "Well, it's hard work being a baby. Don't you remember?" Ursula isn't buying it and says, "No, but it can't be harder than spelling 'transportation.'"

The hard work of being a baby like Valerie: sleep, cry, barf, cry, poop, cry…