February, 2023 - Noah's Archipelago

February 16, 2023: Denise’s B&B

March 20, 2023February 16, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is shaving at the bathroom sink while Ruth is in the shower. Talking about U2's upcoming Vegas residency this fall, Ruth says, "I just wish they'd announce the actual dates so we can get our tickets and book a hotel." Surprised, Noah says, "Hotel? We'll stay with Denise and Simon!" Ruth is irritated and snarls, "We are NOT staying with your ex-wife!" Noah turns to face the shower door and says, "Oh, c'mon, Ruth! They have a great B&B and we have an open invitation to stay for free." Ruth, still being petty, replies, "Pfft... and I suppose there's a mirror on the ceiling?" Noah rolls his eyes and says, "Not that I know of. Shall I tell Denise you have a special request?"

Ah, the arguments and jealousy continue between Ruth and Noah over that Vegas showgirl ex-wife.

February 15, 2023: Friends With Exes

March 20, 2023February 15, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth is in her nightie and is annoyed and snarls, hands on hips, "I can't believe you're still friends with your showgirl ex-wife!" Noah calmly responds, "I'm friends with all my exes. And Denise quit being a showgirl 10 years ago when she fell down the stage stairs at Bally's and broke her leg." Ruth doesn't want to listen to logic and turns her back and grunts. We then see Ruth scowling as Noah continues, "Denise and Simon have been married for 16 years." Ruth just says, "Whatever." Noah asks, "Aren't you friends with any of your exes?" Ruth looks away and says, "No!" Noah shrugs and asks, "Why not?" Ruth replies, "I don't have to be. My mom is friends with all the moms and keeps tabs for me."

Ruth and Noah have very different notions about being friends with exes.

February 14, 2023: The Vegas Fight

February 27, 2023February 14, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth and Noah are out to dinner on Valentine's Day. Ruth smiles and asks Noah, "Aren't you excited about U2's Vegas shows this fall?" Noah, despite singing in a U2 tribute band, is clearly not excited. He looks off to the side and says, "Um... I got myself in trouble in Vegas." Ruth assumes he means gambling and assures him, "We won't be going to the casinos." Noah explains, "It's not gambling. I got drunk and married a showgirl I'd just met." As he says this, we see a flashback of a very drunk Noah saying "I do" in front of an Elvis impersonator officiating his holy matrimony to a tall showgirl in her elaborate feathered headdress and bikini, fresh off the stage. Ruth growls, reminded of the ex-wife she's most jealous of, and snarls, "Well, promise me you won't get drunk and do that again." Noah then raises an eyebrow and demands, "Promise me YOU won't get drunk and marry a Bono impersonator." Ruth waves her hand dismissively and replies, "Well, I'm already married to you, so... been there, done that."

Ruth has of course already signed up for every possible chance to get tickets to that U2 residency in Vegas, from the fan club to the Ticketmaster verified fan thing. And interesting how Noah’s not worried about Ruth running off with Bono, but rather with one of Bono’s professional impersonators (aside from Noah and … Read moreFebruary 14, 2023: The Vegas Fight

February 13, 2023: Valentine’s Day

February 27, 2023February 13, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes up to Noah and asks, "Can I stay home sick tomorrow? Valentine's sucks." Noah asks her, "Why?" and Ursula scowls and explains, "They force us to be nice and give out valentines to everybody, even if we hate them." Noah smiles and tells her, "Well, they don't want anyone to feel left out." Unimpressed, Ursula crosses her arms and snarls, "It's a stupid, shallow gesture that cheapens the very meaning of what it's supposed to champion!" Noah is irritated at Ursula's lack of Valentine's spirit and retorts, "Aren't you just quoting your big brother Adam justifying buying himself a new dirt bike instead of buying Stacey a ring?" Ursula, hands on hips, snaps back, "What is your point?"

I hear ya, Ursula: I also hated Valentine’s Day and the mandated card-giving when I was your age. Noah, of course, loves Valentine’s Day and is probably wondering if Ursula might, in fact, be a changeling.

February 11, 2023: The Gummy Bear Fib

February 27, 2023February 11, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is at his iMac when Ursula comes up to him and asks, "Daddy, when do I get my gummy bears?" Noah is confused and just says, "Huh?" Ursula reminds him, "You said I could grow gummy bears a few days ago, but I don't see any in the seed tray yet." Caught in his fib, Noah squirms: "Oh... um... you have to be patient, honey." Ursula then asks, "So... like... maybe tomorrow?" Noah replies, "Maybe."

Noah might have fibbed to Ursula about where gummy bears… just a little bit… maybe… anyway, it was for a good cause to get her involved with the garden.

February 10, 2023: Vengeance

February 25, 2023February 10, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is on a Zoom call with his mom, Hrefna aka Granny Thorsen. Hrefna is enraged and tells Noah, "I will speak to Odin on your behalf, boy." Noah replies, "Thanks, Ma, but—" and Hrefna interrupts him, continuing with her fists raised in the air, "Odin will send his ravens to pluck the flesh from their bones!" Noah again tries to get a word in edgewise, saying, "OK, Ma, but—" and again Hrefna interrupts to continue hollering, her eyes bulging with rage, "He will enact a terrible blood vengeance upon the fraudsters!" Noah replies, "Right, Ma, but—" and Hrefna again interrupts him and proclaims, "The wolves and raptors will feast upon their entrails!" Finally Noah is able to speak his piece, face in his hands: "I appreciate that, Ma, but all I really want is a human to answer the phone and help me dispute the fraudulent charges." Hrefna pauses, then replies, "Hmm... our Norse forebears didn't really have a god of customer service, boy... I suppose you could petition Freyr?"

Granny Thorsen has no chill… well… maybe a bit since she didn’t reference the ol’ blood eagle treatment. Lord knows the cartoonist would sure like to use that method on her fraudsters…

February 9, 2023: Data Breach

February 25, 2023February 9, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Agnes and Ruth are drinking coffee at the kitchen table. Noah comes in scowling and looking at his phone. He then growls and tells Ruth, "Ruth! The accounta got hacked and our data was breached!" Shocked, Ruth turns around and yells, "What?!" while Agnes scowls and snaps at Noah, "What kind of idiot accountant do you have?" to which Noah retorts, "The one you told me to use, Agnes."

Poor Noah… Guess what crap the cartoonist was dealing with this week? Ugh…

Playing Chicken

February 5, 2024February 8, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is giving Valerie her bottle and Frank comes up with a coffee cup and says, "Alright, Agnes went to the salon. What's the intel?" Noah smiles and says, "We can have up to 10 hens. Minimum coop size is 40 square feet, but I think we should make it at least 8x8." Frank smiles and replies, "Plenty of room next to the pool." Noah continues, "And the run should be at least 100 square feet. More is better." Frank says, "Like I said." Noah then says, "In theory we get 10 eggs a day for most of the year." Frank smiles and says, "Let's do it... next month when Agnes goes to Vegas with her sisters." Noah replies, "Roger that." Meanwhile Valerie yanks a lock of Noah's hair and pokes him in the throat. Noah says to Valerie, "Ow! Valerie, don't pull Daddy's hair." Frank then says, "Yeah, that's how I lost mine."

Noah and Frank are plotting to get free eggs… well, free after the cost of the coop, the run, the hens, the feed… Meanwhile, Valerie is practising her assassin moves for when she’s big enough to actually be dangerous.

February 7, 2023: Seed Starting

February 16, 2023February 7, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah has trays of newly planted seeds for his garden on a set of shelves and he has another full tray in his hands. Adam grins and asks, "Seeds, huh? Anything interesting?" Noah raises an eyebrow and replies, "You want interesting, you grow your own seeds in your own yard." Ursula is smiling and asks, "You mean interesting like gummy bear seeds?"

In Canada, we’re each allowed to have up to 4 “interesting” plants for personal consumption. Noah, however, isn’t particularly interested in “interesting” plants.

February 6, 2023: Garden Planning

February 16, 2023February 6, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is sitting at the table with a large number of seed packets spread out in front of him. Ursula comes up and asks, "Whatcha doing, Daddy?" Noah replies, "Sorting through my seeds. It's time to get started on this year's garden. I already started lettuce and radishes in the cold frame. And leeks, and garlic outside." He then smiles and asks, "What are you gonna grow this year?" Irked, Ursula retorts, "Uh... nothing. The garden is your job." Noah is annoyed and says, "No, I think it's time you participated a bit more. So... what do you want to grow?" Ursula rolls her eyes and says, "Ugh... Fine. Do gummy bears grow on trees?" Noah says, "If you want apple or cherry-flavored, then yes, pretty much."

Apparently Ursula doesn’t know that gummy bears are just made from fruit juice, so some grow on trees, some grow on bushes, some grow on vines, and some grow on little green plants.