2023 - Noah's Archipelago

February 13, 2023: Valentine’s Day

February 27, 2023February 13, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ursula comes up to Noah and asks, "Can I stay home sick tomorrow? Valentine's sucks." Noah asks her, "Why?" and Ursula scowls and explains, "They force us to be nice and give out valentines to everybody, even if we hate them." Noah smiles and tells her, "Well, they don't want anyone to feel left out." Unimpressed, Ursula crosses her arms and snarls, "It's a stupid, shallow gesture that cheapens the very meaning of what it's supposed to champion!" Noah is irritated at Ursula's lack of Valentine's spirit and retorts, "Aren't you just quoting your big brother Adam justifying buying himself a new dirt bike instead of buying Stacey a ring?" Ursula, hands on hips, snaps back, "What is your point?"

I hear ya, Ursula: I also hated Valentine’s Day and the mandated card-giving when I was your age. Noah, of course, loves Valentine’s Day and is probably wondering if Ursula might, in fact, be a changeling.

February 11, 2023: The Gummy Bear Fib

February 27, 2023February 11, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is at his iMac when Ursula comes up to him and asks, "Daddy, when do I get my gummy bears?" Noah is confused and just says, "Huh?" Ursula reminds him, "You said I could grow gummy bears a few days ago, but I don't see any in the seed tray yet." Caught in his fib, Noah squirms: "Oh... um... you have to be patient, honey." Ursula then asks, "So... like... maybe tomorrow?" Noah replies, "Maybe."

Noah might have fibbed to Ursula about where gummy bears… just a little bit… maybe… anyway, it was for a good cause to get her involved with the garden.

February 10, 2023: Vengeance

February 25, 2023February 10, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is on a Zoom call with his mom, Hrefna aka Granny Thorsen. Hrefna is enraged and tells Noah, "I will speak to Odin on your behalf, boy." Noah replies, "Thanks, Ma, but—" and Hrefna interrupts him, continuing with her fists raised in the air, "Odin will send his ravens to pluck the flesh from their bones!" Noah again tries to get a word in edgewise, saying, "OK, Ma, but—" and again Hrefna interrupts to continue hollering, her eyes bulging with rage, "He will enact a terrible blood vengeance upon the fraudsters!" Noah replies, "Right, Ma, but—" and Hrefna again interrupts him and proclaims, "The wolves and raptors will feast upon their entrails!" Finally Noah is able to speak his piece, face in his hands: "I appreciate that, Ma, but all I really want is a human to answer the phone and help me dispute the fraudulent charges." Hrefna pauses, then replies, "Hmm... our Norse forebears didn't really have a god of customer service, boy... I suppose you could petition Freyr?"

Granny Thorsen has no chill… well… maybe a bit since she didn’t reference the ol’ blood eagle treatment. Lord knows the cartoonist would sure like to use that method on her fraudsters…

February 9, 2023: Data Breach

February 25, 2023February 9, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Agnes and Ruth are drinking coffee at the kitchen table. Noah comes in scowling and looking at his phone. He then growls and tells Ruth, "Ruth! The accounta got hacked and our data was breached!" Shocked, Ruth turns around and yells, "What?!" while Agnes scowls and snaps at Noah, "What kind of idiot accountant do you have?" to which Noah retorts, "The one you told me to use, Agnes."

Poor Noah… Guess what crap the cartoonist was dealing with this week? Ugh…

Playing Chicken

February 5, 2024February 8, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is giving Valerie her bottle and Frank comes up with a coffee cup and says, "Alright, Agnes went to the salon. What's the intel?" Noah smiles and says, "We can have up to 10 hens. Minimum coop size is 40 square feet, but I think we should make it at least 8x8." Frank smiles and replies, "Plenty of room next to the pool." Noah continues, "And the run should be at least 100 square feet. More is better." Frank says, "Like I said." Noah then says, "In theory we get 10 eggs a day for most of the year." Frank smiles and says, "Let's do it... next month when Agnes goes to Vegas with her sisters." Noah replies, "Roger that." Meanwhile Valerie yanks a lock of Noah's hair and pokes him in the throat. Noah says to Valerie, "Ow! Valerie, don't pull Daddy's hair." Frank then says, "Yeah, that's how I lost mine."

Noah and Frank are plotting to get free eggs… well, free after the cost of the coop, the run, the hens, the feed… Meanwhile, Valerie is practising her assassin moves for when she’s big enough to actually be dangerous.

February 7, 2023: Seed Starting

February 16, 2023February 7, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah has trays of newly planted seeds for his garden on a set of shelves and he has another full tray in his hands. Adam grins and asks, "Seeds, huh? Anything interesting?" Noah raises an eyebrow and replies, "You want interesting, you grow your own seeds in your own yard." Ursula is smiling and asks, "You mean interesting like gummy bear seeds?"

In Canada, we’re each allowed to have up to 4 “interesting” plants for personal consumption. Noah, however, isn’t particularly interested in “interesting” plants.

February 6, 2023: Garden Planning

February 16, 2023February 6, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah is sitting at the table with a large number of seed packets spread out in front of him. Ursula comes up and asks, "Whatcha doing, Daddy?" Noah replies, "Sorting through my seeds. It's time to get started on this year's garden. I already started lettuce and radishes in the cold frame. And leeks, and garlic outside." He then smiles and asks, "What are you gonna grow this year?" Irked, Ursula retorts, "Uh... nothing. The garden is your job." Noah is annoyed and says, "No, I think it's time you participated a bit more. So... what do you want to grow?" Ursula rolls her eyes and says, "Ugh... Fine. Do gummy bears grow on trees?" Noah says, "If you want apple or cherry-flavored, then yes, pretty much."

Apparently Ursula doesn’t know that gummy bears are just made from fruit juice, so some grow on trees, some grow on bushes, some grow on vines, and some grow on little green plants.

February 4, 2023: Noah’s New Toy

February 16, 2023February 4, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Noah and Ruth are in the bedroom. Ruth waves her hand at Noah, who is dressed up like Cupid with wings and a bit of fabric wrapped around his hips. Noah is holding a small purple toy bow and a rubber suction cup tipped arrow. Ruth asks, "Is that Ursula's new bow?" Noah is grinning and says, "Nope, it's her old toy one." Ruth tells him, "Put that away for Valerie!" Noah replies, "Valerie won't be old enough for it for a few years. Til then, it's part of my Cupid costume. Now hold still so I can get you."

Noah‘s a little early for Valentine’s Day.

February 3, 2023: Not Enough

February 16, 2023February 3, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Ruth and Noah are on the living room floor playing with Valerie and talking about Ursula's new sport. "I was thinking something more active like soccer." Noah replies, "Ursula doesn't like team sports." Meanwhile, in the background, Valerie tries to reach her favorite chew toy: the now-mangled Funko Bono. Ruth rolls her eyes and continues, "Archery doesn't involve much fitness." Noah smiles and counters, "Duke says it builds focus, strength, and hand-eye coordination." Unconvinced, Ruth says, "But it's not exercise!" Noah answers, "Duke says they have 3D competitions which involve a lot of walking." Valerie has now gotten a hold of Funko Bono and is chewing on his head. Seeing this, Noah tells her, "Valerie, I know you like Funko Bono, but use a proper teether..." He hold out a teether to Valerie, but she is uninterested. Ruth replies to Noah's comment about competitions, scowling and saying, "Noah! That's not enough!" Noah looks over his shoulder at Ruth as he yanks Funko Bono away from Valerie, then says to Ruth, "Look, honey: we got her to pick a sport. Next we get her to practise. Then we guilt trip Duke into letting his sister tag along during bowhunting season so she gets actual exercise." As he says all this, Valerie has turned around and is reaching again for Funko Bono while we see Noah's imagining of a sweating Ursula, face painted in camo, hiking with a giant backpack complete with her pink recurve bow tied to the top of it.

That’s one idea, Noah… but you forgot that Duke has already informed Ursula that there might be bugs involved with bowhunting, so…

Bowhunting?

April 14, 2025February 2, 2023 by Pyra Draculea

Duke and Ursula are sitting on the sofa. Duke says, "So I hear you wanna be a bowhunter." Ursula is confused and replies, "Huh?" Duke then says, "Aren't you taking up archery?" Ursula replies, still confused, "Yeah?" Duke rolls his eyes and explains, "Well, it's either bowhunting or target archery." Ursula asks, "What's the difference?" Duke tells her, "In bowhunting, you'll also go hiking and camping and—" Ursula interrupts and makes a grossed-out face with her tongue sticking out. She says "Ewww... isn't camping just sleeping on the ground with bugs?" Duke replies, "Target archery it is, then."

Can confirm: camping is just sleeping on the ground with bugs. Duke isn’t bothered, but Princess Ursula is certainly not into anything involving bugs.